I Know I’m Not Alone

I Know I’m Not Alone

I am typically pretty upbeat and positive by nature. I have had to overcome a lot in the past decade, and I have spent some of that time feeling situational depression due to battling illness, surgery, dealing with body issues from having so many scars and a permanent ileostomy.  When I found out I was able to get pregnant, and subsequently carry this baby, I was over the moon! Depression wasn’t even on my radar at that time.

I Knew It Wasn’t Going To Be Easy

I am extremely high risk. I have a team of doctors and specialists across three hospitals that will be involved in bringing this baby into the world safely. Of course, I am a bit nervous, but I also have great faith and trust in this team to do everything to help bring this baby boy into the world, keeping us both healthy and happy.

Here’s where I struggle. I am supposed to be happy. I AM happy. Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy to feel baby move and happy to know I will hold him in just a few short months. However, what is happening to my body is bringing me so low. I am just not feeling overall happy, and I didn’t expect that.


A Complex Medical History

Without delving too deep into the graphic details, I’ve had 14 surgeries which have left my entire abdomen full of scars. I have numerous scars running up and down, diagonally, and across my torso. Drain scars, former ostomy scars- just scars, scars, scars! Following one surgery, I had a serious infection so my abdomen had to be re-opened, and I was put on a wound vac to help heal by secondary intention. That process left my tummy full of puckered and thick scar tissue. All this scar tissue causes adhesions. As my abdomen stretches, the scar tissue is stretching and tearing both on the surface and internally. It has been challenging to deal with. This, along with changes in my ostomy with my intestine prolapsing outside my body, has left me feeling depressed over all these reminders that my body isn’t quite the same as others.

Pre-Partum Depression

This pre-partum situational depression has hit me hard. I am struggling with my body and disease and with my hormones running amok. I have found myself in tears quite a bit lately. I am not writing to complain, NO, but to confront what is happening to me and to share this with others who may struggle with these same feelings during pregnancy or at any time. I know that this is supposed to be the most blessed and happy time of my life, so why am I feeling so blue? I don’t have the answer.

Crochet IS Therapy

During this time, my comfort and refuge is found in my craft. I am so grateful for a loving and supportive husband and the support of a fantastic family, but when I am alone, I find solace in the stitches and the repetitive nature of crochet to help distract and focus my mind on something other than these feelings and the pain from my scars.

Lately, I have been working on so many crochet projects for not only my little guy, but also for my sister-in-law who had a baby girl in January. My niece is the perfect model! These projects, alongside my work here at YARNutopia, has given me a deepened purpose, and these goals have helped me focus on more than the issues I am dealing with.



I know I’m not alone. I know that this is only temporary. I know this is a very small price to pay for bringing my baby into the world. I know I have support and love of an amazing husband, family, and community. I know all these things. I also know it is ok to feel. It is ok to be sad. It is ok to hurt. It is ok to ask for help. It is ok.

After spending a little time yesterday on self-care – I bought myself some springtime flowers to brighten my home, I did some retail therapy and bought myself a few feel-good things, I had my nails done, I took a long walk in the sunshine, a short drive and played my favorite music, and I talked for hours with my mom-I am happy to say that I feel a little better. Today has started off on a good foot and writing this has helped. Also, it has helped to be working on some crochet projects, and I went to brunch with Nate. Each day may present a challenge, but I am thankful be able to face each one in strength and resolve and overcome those challenges!

Share with us:

Please share your stories of pre-partum or post-partum depression or your struggles with feeling out of control. Share your stories of how crochet has brought you comfort during a time of need.

Thank you for letting me share.

Be love, Be light.


40 responses

  1. You are a smart cookie! You are right that you are not alone and you understand what is happening and why. Of course, all that doesn’t change the feelings. I wish I could give a big hug and make you a cup of tea. You are amazing and you are strong.

    • I learn crochet from you. The merimaid tail. You tell yourself that those scares are sacred and the sign of one heck of a survivor. As that baby grows remember God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. And if it really gets bad…. remember if you can get through this you can get through the next 18 yrs I am so happy for you. Tracy

      • Thank you so much Tracy. I actually LOVE that quote that God won’t give us more than we can handle, and I tend to say that quite a bit to remind myself.. I also like to say This too shall pass. It helps me on some very tough days.

    • Thank you so much Jessie, I appreciate it so much that you read my blog. I’m glad to know I am not alone in this and that so many moms feel this way. I wish I could give you a big hug back and enjoy a cup of tea with you!! You are such a good friend to me.

  2. I am so happy for you with your good news I will be praying for you and the baby. God bless your family.

  3. Nadia, so sorry to hear you are feeling down but trust me, when you hold your baby, all the hard things will disappear. Being pregnant is hard enough in itself, but throw in other complications and it is twice as hard. Keep your chin up. You have a beautiful smile so when you feel down just smile and it will help. Prayers and love.
    Pat Crowley

    • You are so sweet and a giving person, I pray for you. Can’t wait to see your beautiful baby. Your child is always going to be so proud of you! Thanks for all your help with crochet! You have taught me and many others so much more than just crochet. Stay strong. Hugs and kisses.🙏💖

      • Thank you so much Alfreda. I really needed to hear those words today… I can’t wait to see him either–Each day that passes is another day closer to kissing his face! (hugs back)

  4. I think it’s wonderful that you feel comfortable enough with us to share your struggles as well as your talents. I too suffered before and after my pregnancies. I had a severe case of endometriosis and was infertile. I had 5 surgeries before I was 21. I am so thankful I was able to deliver 2 healthy babies who are now 25 and 27. I had 2 surgeries between my pregnancies and had a complete hysterectomy at 35. At age 50 I had emergency colon surgery which left yet another horrible scar on my abdomen. Before my surgery I was told I may wake up with a colostomy. Thankfully I did not however the surgery caused complications with my autoimmune disease and I have had colitis for the last 4 years. I appreciate hearing positive messages from others because it helps me through dark days. Blessings to you and your family. I cannot wait to see your little man.❤

  5. Oh, Nadia, you are an inspiration to so many people. I wish you Divine light and love, and am sending HUGE hugs… When your little boy is born, and you look at him, he will fill your thoughts with SO much love, and that will replace all the pain and agony.. Just my tuppence worth… May the doctors do all they can to alleviate your discomfort!

    • Thank you so much, I hear that a lot–all the memories of pregnancy disappear when you see your baby for the first time. I cannot tell you enough how much I am looking forward to that moment!

      • You are not alone, you a circle of supporters and many prayers for you and baby and your husband.

  6. Nadia, you are such an inspiration! You are going to be an amazing MOM! It’s okay to be sad. Thank you for sharing and please know that you have so many people sending good thoughts your way. I can’t wait to meet your little boy and share in this amazing journey. Carole Shannon

  7. Nadia, I pray for you and Nate and the safe birth of your precious baby boy. I too found peace or escape in my knitting and crochet. My mother/best friend passed away 19 years ago, while she was in the hospital, I was knitting!, every minute,every second! Knit knit kni! That is where I went, that is how I was dealing with her passing. If I didn’t have my Faith or knitting, I don’t know how I would have made it through. I’m so happy you have that place to escape when you need it. We are all grateful you have your crochet because you create amazing things. You can do this! You are strong! But don’t ever be afraid to lean on Nate!

    • I am sorry to hear of your mother’s passing. I am very close to my mom, so I cannot even imagine what you had to go through. I am glad you found solace in knitting and in faith. I am extremely lucky to have Nate and to be able to lean on him in these hard times. He has worked so hard to help me get through the bad days. I appreciate all your kind words. Thank you so much.

  8. Nadia, All I see is a beautiful woman, with loads of talent and heart. I struggled too with Drs. that made errors, perscribed me meds that caused fetal deformation and miscarraige to quadruples, another loss of natural pregnancy due to withdrawal symptoms from meds that I was yanked off of cold turkey. Gyno that did not show at my appt 2 days before loss of baby, and a staff that was rude and teased me, withholding my records. Following a long depression because I will never have children. Just take care and be your own self advocate, make sure your Drs. dont go on vacation when you are due. You are making your way to an awesome experience and do not hesitate to ask for depression meds if needed. You will be a great Mom. Keep rowing the boat my mom would say.

  9. The hardest thing I ever had to do was admit that I had depression and anxiety. It was even harder because these diseases reared themselves when I was pregnant with my second child. I was eternally sad, tired, had no energy and was left in a puddle of tears most days. I also had a ray of sunshine 4 year old daughter who watched me be sad every day and couldn’t understand why. I tried to be happy, but I couldn’t. Even after my son’s birth, I could not experience joy as I fought and struggled with his extreme GERD, which is tough. Not only was I sick, but my baby was sick and all I could do was try to make him comfortable. He couldn’t be elevated past about 40 degrees or he would vomit. He was behind and late to sit, crawl, and walk. As a mother I felt like a failure. My son barely spoke before 18 months. But I didn’t give up, as us mom’s, we just don’t really have that choice. Eventually, my son caught up, and I found medical cannabis to help me to take control of my happiness again. Now, my son is happy and healthy, and I am expecting my third baby which is going far better than my last. I am 100% unmedicated, I am happy everyday and feel alive compared to where I used to feel dead inside. My point is there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Medication for depression can be used, then discarded when no longer needed. So many people shame us for being weak when we should be strong. Well, we are strong. Sometimes strength is just getting up and being able to look at the reflection in the mirror. On some days, that just has to be enough.

  10. That little boy is going to have such a very special Mom and Dad. He is your blessing, you are his. Just remember, this to shall pass. Many blessings and loving wishes

  11. Oh Nadia … your post came at a perfect time for me. I’m experiencing some situational depression right now too. Your words helped. They shot a shard of comforting light into my heart.
    Sending you prayers.

  12. You r an amazing ,talented person . Crochet is my therapy for hard times in my life .u have all my prayers .you will b that happiest person in the world when you hold your little guy .keep your head up & keep showing your beautiful smile .I have struggled with mild depression for the last 3 years . 3 years ago I went in to sudden cardiac arrest & dropped dead at work .yet here I am commenting on your post . I don’t know you personally but I can see by your posts & your smile you are a positive person . Hugs & love being sent

  13. I too had depression during my two pregnancies, with good reason but not related to health as you have. So I just want to send you lots of love and hugs and prayers and thoughts for good health both mental and physical. We love you! Hugs.💖

  14. I admire your strength, resilience, & positive attitude. Continue to choose joy. I’ve been praying for you, Nate, & your baby. Sending love, hugs, & prayers.

  15. Hi Nadia… well i don’t know how to start. I know you going to be a great mom. I know is not easy trust me i am a very sentimental person with alot of problems and just like you i use crochet to escape from reality. But im always positive for others and giving advice even doe i can be crushed inside. I don’t like to see nobody hurt. With my 3 pregnancy i went threw alot trust me it wasn’t pretty. But i never lost hope i belive in God that he was by me at all times. So with that been said with scars and all you are beautiful the pain soon would be over and you will have the little bundle of joy. You will always will be beautiful and theres a saying we are like tigers with all of scars they are our stripes they tell a story. You are a survivor a warrior that fought many battles and you are here to tell your story. Im proud of you and you are amazing and you going to be an awesome mom you are my inspiration Nadia so please dont be depressed be honored and have faith that everything is going to be okay. So dust your shoulder pick up your head and keep going and keep posting those beautiful picture and creations. Many blessings. Sincerely Blanca from Chicago,IL

  16. Nadia: you are so beautiful, especially while pregnant… I fell down my stairs a few years ago and splayed my face open with a cut from under my nose, through my top lip, my bottom lip and down to the bottom of my chin… I also broke my upper jaw (maxilla?), nose, wrist, knocked a tooth out… after 3 days in the hospital, over 100 stitches, and subsequent 3 surgeries, I’m healed…but left with a large vertical scar from under my nose to my chin… scars are a reminder that we are stronger than what tried to hurt us… it’ll be worth it when you are holding your baby boy… and your nate will be there for you… take care!

  17. Dearest Nadia,
    Thank you for sharing your feelings. I know it will help so many to know they are not alone. You are a wonderful lady. Blessings and prayers I send your way.

  18. Nadia, I suffer from clinical depression, anxiety, and other stuff and I’ve been crocheting for 39 years. In the last couple of years crochet has helped me more than ever. Now I am about to take it to a whole new level of crochet therapy as I will soon be starting a class called “Crochet for Therapy” so that I can teach the community not only how to crochet, but also how much it can help so many people. Bottom line is… you are FAR from being alone.. ever! Millions of us suffer for all different reasons with disease, depression, healing, etc etc. So please take this big cyber hug <<<>>> and remember that our thoughts and prayers are with you always! Love you!

  19. I sadly don’t have children. But I deal and have dealed with depression, anxiety, disease, etc. and you’re not alone. And I also find it very theraputically to crochet. Hope all will go well this last part of your pregnancy. Hang in there! Love from The Netherlands ❤❤

  20. Crochet has brought me so much peace in this time for me. We are currently displaced from our home that used to be. We lost our home in the camp fire in Paradise California on November 8th. Crochet has brought my mind thinking about something else other than where are we going to live, what will we do next, what do we do with our pets the list goes on. Crochet has helped me to put my mind somewhere else and I’ve been crocheting headbands for little girls and trying to just keep my mind occupied in a positive way. You were the one Nadia, that I started to watch your videos because I could not read a pattern. I only knew basic stitches. By listening to your story of your health and how this is helped you so much really inspired me. I was in a very very deep depression and by working projects and watching your videos to help me figure out the stitches has been great therapy. It’s helped me get out of my head and moving in a forward positive way and doing things for others. You are such a beautiful person inside and out and you have such a kind heart. I can tell by the way you write how caring you are. I pray that your health holds out and I know you’re going to be a fantastic mama! Thank you so much for sharing 💜

  21. i’ve been suffering depression for years and now its been two years i have MCTD (mixed connective tissue disease ) and its been a blessing to learn crochet with you im so grateful that you were there i feel so much better when im listening to youre crochet video thanks you so much to be there for us i love you xox Ps stay strong you’ll be ok im sure

  22. I love reading your posts, and I’ve learned so much from you over the years. Your are an amazing women and your body is doing amazing things. Thank you for sharing. You are definitely not walking this path alone. Stay strong. You’re a warrior and a fighter! You got this! Praying for you.

  23. Nadia, you are such an inspiration to everyone. It is amazing what you have been through and what you have accomplished in life regardless of your health issues. It is very understandable that you can’t keep from worrying. I am so thankful that you have such amazing people to help you through this. When little one gets here, you will put all this behind you and spend your days loving and caring for him and Nate. I have been including you in my prayers and will continue to do so. I can’t wait to see that sweet little one. Praying

  24. Dear Nadia : I know you will be an amazing mother and everything you are going through will fade away when you hold that sweet baby boy in your arms…And about those scars of yours…They tell the story of a survivor..Each one tells a tail of what you had to go through to get you to this point in time…I have a body full of scars…And the ones i am most proud of are the ones on my belly…Because that’s where the most incredible gift i ever receive grew. God Bless and Keep you Nadia…Another amazing new chapter in your life will be starting very soon And i am sure you will handle it with the strength and courage you have handled everything else in your life

  25. Bless you❤️ I’m keeping you in my prayers, I have a good feeling that your going to get a happy ending ♥️ Just remember, it’s ok to feel sad, depressed and overwhelmed….. just don’t live there! I’ve wasted a lot of time living there and I finally learned that me being down doesn’t change a thing, but makes it worse. Remember your baby feels and hears everything 😉👍🏻

  26. You are a very strong person and so important to those around you .You are going through some difficult times at the moment and the people who are with you love you for what you are there not bothered about your scars they love you for who you are and that becoming a mummy is going to be so great for you that liitle baby boy will love you unconditionally you are a very special person .

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