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I Know I’m Not Alone

I Know I’m Not Alone

I am typically pretty upbeat and positive by nature. I have had to overcome a lot in the past decade, and I have spent some of that time feeling situational depression due to battling illness, surgery, dealing with body issues from having so many scars and a permanent ileostomy.  When I found out I was able to get pregnant, and subsequently carry this baby, I was over the moon! Depression wasn’t even on my radar at that time.

I Knew It Wasn’t Going To Be Easy

I am extremely high risk. I have a team of doctors and specialists across three hospitals that will be involved in bringing this baby into the world safely. Of course, I am a bit nervous, but I also have great faith and trust in this team to do everything to help bring this baby boy into the world, keeping us both healthy and happy.

Here’s where I struggle. I am supposed to be happy. I AM happy. Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy to feel baby move and happy to know I will hold him in just a few short months. However, what is happening to my body is bringing me so low. I am just not feeling overall happy, and I didn’t expect that.

 

A Complex Medical History

Without delving too deep into the graphic details, I’ve had 14 surgeries which have left my entire abdomen full of scars. I have numerous scars running up and down, diagonally, and across my torso. Drain scars, former ostomy scars- just scars, scars, scars! Following one surgery, I had a serious infection so my abdomen had to be re-opened, and I was put on a wound vac to help heal by secondary intention. That process left my tummy full of puckered and thick scar tissue. All this scar tissue causes adhesions. As my abdomen stretches, the scar tissue is stretching and tearing both on the surface and internally. It has been challenging to deal with. This, along with changes in my ostomy with my intestine prolapsing outside my body, has left me feeling depressed over all these reminders that my body isn’t quite the same as others.

Pre-Partum Depression

This pre-partum situational depression has hit me hard. I am struggling with my body and disease and with my hormones running amok. I have found myself in tears quite a bit lately. I am not writing to complain, NO, but to confront what is happening to me and to share this with others who may struggle with these same feelings during pregnancy or at any time. I know that this is supposed to be the most blessed and happy time of my life, so why am I feeling so blue? I don’t have the answer.

Crochet IS Therapy

During this time, my comfort and refuge is found in my craft. I am so grateful for a loving and supportive husband and the support of a fantastic family, but when I am alone, I find solace in the stitches and the repetitive nature of crochet to help distract and focus my mind on something other than these feelings and the pain from my scars.

Lately, I have been working on so many crochet projects for not only my little guy, but also for my sister-in-law who had a baby girl in January. My niece is the perfect model! These projects, alongside my work here at YARNutopia, has given me a deepened purpose, and these goals have helped me focus on more than the issues I am dealing with.

 

Self-Care

I know I’m not alone. I know that this is only temporary. I know this is a very small price to pay for bringing my baby into the world. I know I have support and love of an amazing husband, family, and community. I know all these things. I also know it is ok to feel. It is ok to be sad. It is ok to hurt. It is ok to ask for help. It is ok.

After spending a little time yesterday on self-care – I bought myself some springtime flowers to brighten my home, I did some retail therapy and bought myself a few feel-good things, I had my nails done, I took a long walk in the sunshine, a short drive and played my favorite music, and I talked for hours with my mom-I am happy to say that I feel a little better. Today has started off on a good foot and writing this has helped. Also, it has helped to be working on some crochet projects, and I went to brunch with Nate. Each day may present a challenge, but I am thankful be able to face each one in strength and resolve and overcome those challenges!

Share with us:

Please share your stories of pre-partum or post-partum depression or your struggles with feeling out of control. Share your stories of how crochet has brought you comfort during a time of need.

Thank you for letting me share.

Be love, Be light.

~Nadia

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It’s a…. Gender Reveal!!!

It’s a…. Gender Reveal!!!

It didn’t matter – girl or boy – we would still be filled with the same joy!! We are over the moon excited to announce that we are having a….

 

Thank you for sharing in the joy of this experience. We are so happy!!

My mom found the onsie on Etsy, you can see it here.

The tutorial for the baby booties is coming soon!!

~Nate and Nadia

Happy Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day

When I arrived in this world, I am told, I was born with a paralyzed side of my face and the inability to open my left eye. From early photos, I always was the one with the very strange expressions and an odd look on my face. My mom always told me how beautiful I am and said it didn’t matter that my eye wouldn’t open, and God made me that way so everyone would think I am giving them a *wink* and fall in love with me. That is how my mom is. She sees the bright side in things. She is looking for the good in every situation–the silver lining–no matter how difficult life could be, she taught my brothers and me the same. Imperfections and differences make you beautiful, and that same thought applies to each piece I make by adding some “imperfect” characteristic.

We never had much, but we always had enough, and we always appreciated everything my parents were able to give us and make happen for us. I was given a strong work ethic, and that is why I do what I do by pouring my heart into each stitch of every piece I create. I could easily be doing any job and the same ethic would apply because it has been instilled in us by a mother that insisted we do the work. We learned how to cook, clean, pick up after ourselves and do laundry from a young age so we could appreciate how hard it is and never take people or things for granted; to have pride in doing and completing a job right from the beginning so we didn’t have to do it again and again.

My mom has walked with me through my journey with Crohn’s disease, and with each step, she has promised that I will never be alone as long as she can draw breath. She is responsible for my love of crochet when she handed me my first crochet hook and ball of yarn and taught me this craft. Little did she know how much this would mold my life and become a lifeline and a form of therapy for long hospital stays. To have the support and love is a gift I shall always cherish. But more than that, I realize I will never be lonely with her by my side, to look for the good and positive no matter what the situation, never feel sorry for myself, and that I always have a forever friend.


My mom is not like other moms. She and I have been through so much in this life. Whenever my brothers and I have troubles or burdens, it’s easier to bring them to my mom and she takes them away and makes everything better. My mom has been by my side at every hospital stay, every doctor visit, every medical test, even when doctors couldn’t help me, she helped me get through it all. I will never be able to thank my mom enough for all that she has done, is doing, and will do for me.

My mom is my best friend.

I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for her.

My mom never gave me any idea that I couldn’t do what I wanted to do, or be who I wanted to be.
She has taught me to have appreciation in everything I have and never take anything for granted. She has taught me how to love unconditionally, and she inspires me every day to make a difference in this world, even if it’s to help few or many. She is my biggest fan, and she is the closest thing to Superwoman anybody could ever be.
Please join me in wishing her and all the other moms (and dads or role models who fill those shoes) a fantastic day! It’s a thankless job sometimes, and you deserve more than one day of recognition.